Free To Struggle

I don't know if it's because I'm finally getting a break after Rob's birthday, Christmas and then Finn's birthday, but lately I've been tired. 

What's kind of comical is now that our boy is sleeping through the night again, and I'm no longer pumping, I haven't been going to bed at a decent hour at all. Nope, not at t'all. And it's not like I'm doing anything productive...just usually always watchin Netflix.

Just a lil disclaimer: I typically don't share our schedules on here because I know this is the public internet, but if you haven't gathered already, Rob and I work opposite shifts. This just explains why I often talk about myself singularly when I'm home and he's working.

Besides being tired, I'm also fighting my discipline right now. You ever have something that you wanna do so badly, but your lack of discipline keeps tripping you up? That's me right now. Particularly after Finn goes to bed. And I don't mean doing the dishes or picking up, I mean like getting my keyboard out and playing, maybe writing on that ol' thing. Or getting into a book. Or listening to some worship music while doing a Bible/book study...filling my mind with truths to help me through various struggles. Or what's that thing called? Exercise? What's that.

I've deleted a few apps from my phone (farewell for now FB and Pinterest) that may help me do more of what I actually want to do during the day. I would find myself looking at these apps even at stop lights sometimes. It was feeling unhealthy for me. (Not at all saying that Netflix, FB or Pinterest are evil by any means) I just want to feel present again. Not ruled around by the things that control me, but I want to be in control.

Ah, discipline. I need you. So I'll keep trying. And I'll hold this passage closer to me through it...

Romans 7:15-25 (The Message)

What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Although the struggle is there in various parts of my life, I'm still free. Tenth Avenue North came out with this song that speaks very deeply to me. Although I can have a hard time liking various Christian-based bands or music, I've felt very connected to this band and their lyrics. Anyway, it's a great song with a truly good message for those (me!) who need the reminder that the struggle is okay and that we are still free through it.